Last weekend, I completed the Super Spartan obstacle mud run. I definitely under estimated the level of hard core that they would bring to this course. As an endurance athlete, I've completed 4 half marathons, a 10K, 2 marathons, and a triathlon. I've done the Warrior Dash (another obstacle race) twice previously and I knew I would be under trained, but I had NO IDEA!
At the half way point, I reached the first obstacle that my wonderful spectating husband could see me at. He asked how I was doing, and dutifully snapped a few pics. I told him, this may be the first race I DNF (did not finish). I had no idea what I was in for. The second half was far worse than the first and he was there for the last half dozen or so obstacles and sets of burpees - ugh! But I did finish, I didn't give up. Thank goodness for the awesome nature of the other athletes on these types of courses, everyone helps each other. Being 5' 3 1/2" , there was a lot I really couldn't do on my own, no one hesitated to give me a boost or an arm up. This is me coming back down an 8' wall.
Sometimes, life is just like that. You
think you know what you're in for, you may even realize you're not quite
prepared, but you think you at least know what to expect. You may have
to climb an obstacle that is much taller than you first realized...
You may get stuck and feel like you keep slipping backwards, like you'll never make it out.
But whether you realize it at first or not, there are always people around to help you. You just have to be willing to accept the help offered to you. As long as you don't give up, you will prevail over whatever life throws at you.
And, when I finally got home, I was happy I knew the formula to create the most soothing relaxing bath EVER even though that is not a normal treat for me. Our tub is small and not very deep. I brought in our little step stool to serve as my bath-side table, the book I'm currently reading and a cold bottle of my recently completed home brewed milk stout. Aaaaaaahhhhhh
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As you go through the course of your day, you are bound to encounter stress, frustration, sometimes anger, even sadness or downright despair.
You could be in a situation like I wrote about last week where you are experiencing a hostile environment either personally or professionally. You could be in a stressful job. You could just be a normal person going through a normal day where things just don't always go as planned.
And, those that know me well may be surprised to hear me say - yep, that's going to happen. Despite all the tips and tidbits I share, even if you follow the best self-care rituals on the planet, these things are going to happen. Anyone remember this scene from Forget Paris?
As I go through my day, I pass people, or connect with them over the phone, and invariably the "how are you?" question comes up. It's pretty unusual for me to respond with anything but one of my characteristic superlative replies - it seems "Fabulous" is the most common. - Right Brian Kucharski? Very often, the next thing I hear is "you're always great" or "you're always fabulous".
You know what, I am most of the time. Not always. That would be impossible unless I was really, clinically insane. (I'll never deny being a little crazy - maybe more than a little. haha) But we all have those moments, and you know what?
It's totally OK.
Allow yourself to feel whatever you’re feeling. Sometimes you’ll get down, really down. Sometimes you’ll get hurt, crushed. Sometimes you will feel overwhelmed. What you resist, persists. So don’t resist. The sooner you get it all out the sooner you can move on. Now, that does NOT mean wallow, but deal with it. Finding your happiness is not about suppressing emotions, or neglecting to deal with them. It's about working through or seeing past them. And some are most assuredly more difficult than others.
One thing I do find very helpful is placing happiness triggers.
See this little smiley face koosh dude?
I've had him on my cube wall at my day j.o.b. for a while but recently decided to move him where he is in my sight line. He definitely brings a smile when I glance down and see him cheerfully smiling at me.
Photos, I have some photos of our trip to Barcelona, Spain above my computer monitor.
Sound, pick a great short sound byte or ring tone and set an alarm on your phone. You'll be energized by the great sound, and you can even use that as a reminder to take a breath or maybe take a break and a walk around.
Scent. Fragrance is our sense tied most closely to memory. Tuck a handkerchief in your purse sprayed with your husband's cologne. Or your baby's shampoo.
Energy boosters. Make a list of small, five to 10 minute acts that make you feel better. This is hard for many women, so don’t be afraid to start small.
Above and beyond the Happiness triggers, do one thing for yourself every day. It doesn't have to be a big thing, but it has to be JUST for you. It may be giving yourself a pedicure or giving yourself permission to say “no”. It may be flowers on your desk. Give yourself permission for indulgence. Every day.
Love your imperfections. They are a key ingredient that goes into making you you. Laugh at yourself.
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Did you ever play hooky in school? Maybe it was senior skip day, or maybe you snuck out before last period one day.
It's kind of an exhilarating feeling. This feeling of hard won freedom, though in truth, you didn't work hard to earn it, you took a risk, right? And your reward is some time, an hour, an afternoon, or a day doing something you really enjoy, feeling rejuvenated and this fun sense of invigoration.
I got to thinking about this today as it relates to what I do. I help women play hooky from their to-do lists.
Very often, when I get together with a group of women, I start out by asking them what they would be doing if they weren't there, enjoying some wine, women and wax. Typically, the answers are somewhere in the range of housework, homework, yard work or errands. We all proceed to thank the fabulous lady who is hosting the gathering that evening for getting us out of all of that!
Most women I know, are overworked, overwhelmed or under appreciated (sometimes all of the above).
We run from one thing to the next, always scanning the next 5 things on our to do list. If we're not working, we're taking care of the kids, or our parents, or our significant others, or a friend or family member in crisis. If we're not actively caring for another human being, we're chauffeuring the kids to or from an event, or running errands, or volunteering, or participating in the PTA or other committee. If we're not running around, we're doing housework, laundry, or homework.
When do we get time for US? How many of you find yourself moving your personal to-dos from this week's list to next week's list? Hair or nail appointments, exercise programs or plans, lunch or coffee with your girlfriend?
So how about it? How would you like to play hooky for a couple of hours?
What would you do?
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Friday is here and we are enjoying another blustery and overcast Autumn day. I, personally am looking forward to my girlfriend's annual pumpkin carving party. We're adding a fun twist this year and having a chili cook off as well to show off and share our favorite chili recipes.
My girlfriend's Friday nights are a glorious reminder of the value of coming together with friends. At the end of a work week, for us, the end of a windy and rainy week, it is such an opportunity to refill and refresh in the company of great friends with lots of laughter and camaraderie.
This time of year, as the weather turns cooler, and we are tempted to begin our hibernation, it is a great time for gathering with friends and enjoying that togetherness. Know that every time you take time to gather with friends, you are supporting one another in more ways than on the surface. Catching up on one another's lives not only keeps you connected, which is huge in the realm of stress relief, but it also allows you to support one another without even knowing it sometimes.
As grown ups, it's so good for us to just go out and play every so often. Spend some time of pure relaxation, you let your kids go out and play when their homework is done, why don't you?
What are you doing this weekend to go out and play?
Most of the time, when I write to you about stress relief and self care, I talk about the effects of stress and the consequences of not managing it, and I talk about stress in a very general way.
Similar to last week's topic, today I write to you about a specific stress source.
Dealing with Hostility
You may experience this from a job with a boss or coworker, you may experience this through a family member, you may experience this through a social acquaintance. In any of these scenarios, you are unable to simply extract yourself from the hostile environment, at least in the short term.
**Please note, when I reference a family member, I am NOT referring to any incidents of physical or mental abuse those are serious circumstances and I would recommend seeking out resources dedicated to that; my reference is more along the lines of overly negative or condescending family members or family members "lobbying against you" to other family members.
In the case of the job, perhaps you can find another job, and that is definitely a good route to pursue, of course this can negatively impact your own career path.
So, for the purposes of this conversation, we'll assume that you must endure this hostility on a regular basis. It may ebb and flow, but in general it is a constant. Again in the case of the workplace, one may recommend talking with HR or other management personnel, but anyone who has spent any time in corporate America knows this invariably ends up hurting you more in the long run.
Bullying is a hot topic today in the media. There have been numerous stories in the media and I've seen graphics and notes trending on social media as well. While I completely believe that as an adult, especially as a woman, you should absolutely stand up for yourself, I also see the negative consequences of that action in these situations.
A few important things to keep in mind if you are in this situation
Stand your ground but pick your battles - While it is important to stand up for yourself, sometimes it only escalates the hostility. When the aggressor comes at you, respond rationally - keep your emotions out of the response entirely - and respond with only pertinent facts.
Remember that you can only affect you. You can't change another person, so don't let them change you. This is a hard one, especially when you're in the "throws of battle". Sometimes you may find yourself thinking unsavory thoughts, or even saying unkind things. This may serve a momentary purpose of blowing off some steam, but in the long run, it chips away at the awesomeness that is you. Don't let them win by making you be a person you'd ever be ashamed of. I saw a great quote yesterday
If you knew for absolute certain, that every little thing you did today would later be scrutinized, literally moment by moment, by a future you, and future friends, as well as anyone else interested, and you'd all be looking for a number of qualities, especially patience, kindness, and love, during this game of games and test of tests called life, how might you treat the very next person you see after reading this Note?
I find that it is easiest for me if I can find a story to believe that changes my anger to pity for the other person. For example, a person may do or say bad things, but maybe they don't know any better or maybe they lack the ability to control their words and actions. Perhaps they are so insecure that the only way they see to improve their self image is to tear down others around them.
Believe in Karma - keep being the best you that you can be in the face of the aggressor. Show up each day undaunted and untainted. Let the aggressor build their own pyre.
Kill them with kindness - Now, you can't just spend all day lathering on the wax so you can be the duck and let it all roll off your back without it affecting you. And don't misunderstand me, I'm not necessarily advocating making friends or "making nice" with the aggressor. But be the better person, don't just act like the better person, actually be the better person.
Breathe - when you feel overwhelmed, take a break, take a walk, excuse yourself to the washroom if you need to, go get a cup of coffee or tea or wine. Find a something that is a real treat for yourself - I have a Coconut Rum flavored Green Tea that I am LOVING right now.
Detox - Make sure you maximize time spent away from the toxic environment. Try not to dwell, it's tough, but the more you can put it out of your mind, the less they "win". If it is a work environment, take your lunch away from the office. If it is a family member or social acquaintance, create a soothing drive home routine. And once you get home, spend a little time in your favorite personal space taking care of you. You won't have time to soak in the tub for an hour each night, but you can lock the bathroom door, light a candle and steam your face in the sink or apply a 5 minute masque, or sit on your back deck or in front of your fire with a glass of wine for 5 minutes.
Sometimes toxic people exist in our lives, and some of them even actively, openly and aggressivly attack us with hostitily. When we let that change us is when they win.
Be awesome in spite of them.
Today is my 15th wedding anniversary. As a result, I'm inspired to write about something a little different than the norm.
I know I have several close personal girlfriends that have a lot of stress in their lives around finding that special someone, so I presume they aren't the only ladies in the world dealing with that right now.
I used to work with a woman who always complained about not being able to find Mr. Right, and I would often respond that she needed to go out and do things and meet people, as he wasn't going to come knocking on her apartment door. Of course, she would reply "Why not? It happened to you."
And while that's true, it's not the norm and certainly won't happen to most people in the world.
As another girlfriend of mine often insists I share the story with new friends, I'll share it here.
It was summer 1990, I was living in Carbondale, IL. I was teaching preschool during the day and waiting tables at night. It is a college town, but I wasn't going to college at the time. Mike came up the balcony and knocked on my door looking for my neighbor across the hall. Being a college town, I did actually know where Nick was. I told Mike he was at work yadda yadda yadda.
Pow Zoom Fireworks!
It was crazy because everything I liked about him I totally didn't like. He wore regular jeans when everyone was wearing acid and stone wash, he wore cowboy boots, and I didn't know anyone that really did that, and he had LONG hair! And he was the hottest guy I had ever seen in my life. Later he came over and he and Nick were going out. He kept trying to convince me to come along with them. I was going out with another boy at the time and we were supposed to "talk" that night. Mike kept saying he wouldn't show, but I couldn't be the one not to show, so I stayed home and of course, he didn't show. So, the next day, I broke up with his answering machine. Mike and I went out that night, we stayed up all night and we've been together ever since.
As we got to know each other better, it was funny how many things that made him perfect for me were things you would think of as opposite. He was the first guy I dated that I couldn't manipulate in any way - now I know that sounds bad, but girls, we all know we have at least one if not two "secret weapons" in our arsenal to get our way when we really want it. Yeah, not one of them worked on him. He was the first guy I dated that I really, truly respected and still to this day consider my one true equal.
So what does any of this have to do with your stress level when it comes to finding Mr Right?
Here are my tips - not necessarily on finding Mr Right, but on not driving yourself crazy in the process.
- Stop looking. It's crazy what finds you when you're not looking for it. Have you ever been in the grocery store trying to reconnect with someone who ran to another aisle? Ever had the experience where you're going down one aisle as they are going the opposite direction? This could be happening to you right now!
- Find things that you truly enjoy. Not only would it be awesome if the person you met was into the things you love - hint hint you *could* meet them while doing these things, but you never know who you'll meet that could connect you to that person.
- Become the best version of you. When I was younger, I'd see all the time girls who were looking for another person to "be" their happiness. While I certainly don't think this is the case with any of my current girlfriends, I am sure it is still out there. And, when you are truly happy spending time with YOU, you'd be amazed how magnetic you become.
And in the process of these things, you'll find the anxiety over the process of finding the person will slowly dwindle.
Wishing you all the love and laughter in the world! It's certainly what makes my life the joy it is!
I
know many of you are entrepreneurs, and so you are definitely a
step or two ahead of the “average Jane” in that at least, you are
passionate about what you do each day. But that doesn’t make it any less
stressful. Some may say more stress, I say different stress. You’re not
worried about the company layoffs, but you are worried about your
company profits and where your next customer is going to come from.
What is your current stress level?
Rate the following questions 1-5 on how true the statements are for you:
- I find it difficult to keep up with everything going on in my life
- I never seem to sleep enough
- My energy isn't what I want it to be
- I eat too much when I'm nervous
- I get angry or frustrated over little things
- I find it difficult to achieve the lifestyle I want
- I find it difficult to take the time to take care of me
- Anxiety, frustration, sadness, anger, guilt, or embarrassment get in the way of me enjoying my life
- I find myself worrying about aspects of my life (1 for each)
job finances success relationships marriage children
Compare your hand temperature to your neck temperature by touching your neck with the fingertips of both hands. Do your fingers feel colder than your neck? Do your fingers feel warm like your neck?
Warm Hands are Relaxed, Cold Hands are Tense.
If your fingers feel really cold, then you are showing extra tension perhaps too much stress.
If your fingers feel cool, then you are showing some tension.
If your fingers are warm like your neck, then you may be relaxed and comfortable.
If your fingers feel hotter than your neck, then you may be deeply relaxed.
Rate Yourself:
Score:
9-18 You are one cool cucumber, one happy camper. You got it under
control. Go YOU! You should share your secrets with your friends.
19-27 You are right on the edge. Still in control, but starting to feel the
signs.
28-37 We need to talk! You seriously need to schedule some girl time.
Maybe a 2nd glass of wine.
38-46 Danger danger Will Robinson! You are on serious stress overload.
We need a "6 girlfriends and a bottle of wine" intervention!
Now, if you've read my blog before, you know my top 2 stress relief suggestions. Whether
you are able to get together with your girlfriends or not, whether you
are able to create a calming space in your home or not, you still need
to find your “Happy Place”. Not to be a Debbie Downer, but any of us
could get hit by a bus tomorrow stepping off a curb. We have to
stop waiting for “someday” to be happy. No more of this “I just have to
knuckle down and really work the business now, and when we hit X then I
can relax a little and take time to do “all those things”.
Aren’t “all those things” the whole point?
Women more than men as entrepreneurs, and business women make huge sacrifices believing that later, they’ll be able to make up for it, after they
achieve their success. They miss the kids’ games, birthday parties,
anniversary dinners, girlfriend lunches and they are still making 70
cents on the dollar compared to a man in the same position. Men don’t
feel guilty about watching the game instead of mowing the lawn, or
playing a round of golf instead of making an appearance at the
neighborhood barbecue.
Women
work twice as hard, make less money, all while taking care of every
household detail. Now I know we are busy, and it’s tough to schedule
play time. But isn’t that the whole point? Shouldn’t we take the kind
of care of ourselves that we demand for those we love?
I
know, especially busy women entrepreneurs are high octane people. “I
thrive on stress.” Right? “I do my best work under pressure.” Right? But
it adds up, and it sneaks up on you like grey hairs and before you know
it you burn out.
And
aside from the passion you feel for your business, isn’t part of why
you want to be a successful business woman just so that you can enjoy
“all those things”.
A
turning point in my life was when my husband was laid off from a
corporate job that had made him so depressed he was a completely
different person. We likened the layoff to when a loved one has been
really sick for a long time, and they pass away. It’s sad, but it’s
really a relief that the suffering is over. We decided it was our last
best opportunity for him to pursue his life long dream rather than go
back to doing what he hated somewhere else. We walked away from a 70K
income and invested an additional 70K in the additional training he
needed.
We
decided we didn’t need to suffer any more. My husband’s happiness in
his career was more important than his income or our lifestyle. I didn’t
know how, but I knew I’d do anything to work it out.
So
I started my business alongside my corporate position to supplement our
income. Don’t worry, this isn’t a pitch for my “business opp”. Here’s
the point, in helping my husband make his dream come true, I not only
found a dream I didn’t even know I had, but I figured out that life is
supposed to be good and happy. Every day.
We
learned that it is truly never too late to bring your dream to life. At
43 years of age, my husband got hired as an airline pilot. No more
sitting in a cubicle for him. We learned that anything really is
possible.
And
we’ve figured out that life is about each day, making the most of who
we are, where we are and most importantly who we are with.
It turns out it wasn’t just me experiencing this - we all get so busy living life, that we forget to Live Life.
I
love this picture. I have this hanging next to my mirror so I see it
every morning. These aren’t my words, but it reminds me how great each
day can be.
There was a time when you were five years old, and you woke up full of awesome.
You knew you were awesome. You loved yourself.
You thought you were beautiful, even with missing teeth and messy hair and mismatched socks inside your grubby sneakers.
You loved your body, and the things it could do. You thought you were strong. You knew you were smart.
Do you still have it? The awesome. Did someone take it from you? Did you let them?...
Look at her. She is full of awesome.
You were, once. Maybe you still are. Maybe you are in the process of getting it back.
All I know is that if you aren’t waking up feeling like this, you are really missing out.
And
if you can’t find your awesome every day, find your happy place. Find
your thing or list of things that make you smile, or better yet, make
you giggle. Maybe your thing is your beautiful daughter, or your
handsome son. Maybe your thing is the vacation to Maui you took 2 years
ago and you would love to repeat. Maybe your thing is art, something
beautiful like Monet. Maybe your thing is music. I definitely can’t have a bad day, when I start it off by shaking my groove thang or singing at the top of my lungs alone in my car.
Maybe your thing is really great shoes, I know I have a certain kind of joy when I’m wearing a really great pair of shoes.
My
big “thing” is I find the funny. Truth be told, sometimes I find the
funny in inappropriate things or situations, and I have to stifle my
giggle. More truth be told, sometimes I’m more successful at giggle
stifling than others.
And here the secret formula:
Start
your day with that thing. Before you walk out the door, or pick up the
phone for your first business conversation, go to your happy place. Give
yourself the gift of 30 seconds - heck go for it and maybe give yourself a
whole minute. Think about your thing. Look at yourself in the mirror
with that huge smile on your face.
And
then, when you feel your stress levels on the rise, take a moment, take
a breath, and go to your thing, your happy place, and (if it’s not
completely inappropriate) give yourself the gift of that smile again.
You’ll be surprised how much just that moment in your happy place will drain some of that stress away.
The cooler weather is a joyful blessing in our house. We love having the windows open and the cooler air breezing through the house.
This time of year, we see all the farmers harvesting and gathering their crops. I got to musing, it's the season where we all harvest and gather our friends and loved ones as well.
Summer is busy with vacations, and more individual activities. There are the occasional picnics or Barbeques but by and large, everyone seems to be focused on the kids summer activities, or the family vacations and not a lot on just gathering with friends and other loved ones.
As fall arrives with it's subtle color changes, and invitation to gather by the fire, we find ourselves reconnecting with our friends and loved ones. At least, I sure do.
I enjoyed a FABULOUS dinner with my best girlfriend this week - wine and sushi! It was marvelous. And we committed to a date on the calendar for dinner just us two once a month at a minimum :D
With the kids back in school and on a more regular schedule, I've planned dinner with another girlfriend this month as well.
And don't forget... this gathering with our friends does magnitudes to reduce and help manage our stress levels. Just one more reason for 6 girlfriends and a bottle of wine.
What do you think, does the change of seasons and the cooler temps call you to gather with your friends?
I'd love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
Stress levels in women have reached epidemic proportions. 75 to 90 percent of visits to primary care physicians are for stress-related complaints. Increases in heart disease, sleeping problems, stomach ailments, infertility and chronic fatigue syndrome (also diagnosed as fibromyalgia).
All of this because we are too stressed out, and we do nothing about it!
You remember, when we were kids, we couldn’t wait until we grew up and no one was bossing us around, and we could do whatever we wanted whenever we wanted, right?
Many of us had a short period of time in our lives when that was actually true, it was called College. Then, our parents, or mentors, or someone in our lives told us that we had to “grow up” and that “life’s not just one big party” and we had to become responsible and fly right.
So then we spend the next 40 or 50 YEARS waiting until we can retire so we can do whatever we want whenever we want.
Well, the sobering truth is that a lot of folks don’t make it to enjoy their retirement and most people who do certainly can’t do whatever they want once they do retire because they are either sick and feeble or living on a shoestring or both.
So here’s the scoop, we need to find a way to enjoy our lives today. We have to stop waiting for that magical someday to come because it just might not.
Now, I’m not telling you that if you have a job you hate that I can fix that (well, actually maybe I can, but that’s not what I'm talking about today), and I’m not telling you that I can fix any issues that may exist with your spouse or significant other. And I’m certainly not telling you that I can prevent your kids from making you crazy. What I am telling you, is that there are things you can do to manage your stress, so that these things aren’t ruling YOU and they aren’t the only thoughts that camp out in your brain 24 hours a day. And they’re so much easier than you might think.
Check this out...
The head of psychiatry at Stanford University gave a lecture on the relationship between stress and disease. He said, among other things, that one of the best things that a man could do for his health is to be married to a woman BUT for a woman, one of the best things she could do for her health was to nurture her relationships with her girlfriends.
At first everyone laughed, but he was serious.
Women
connect with each other and provide support systems that help each
other to deal with stress and difficult life experiences. Physically
this quality girlfriend time helps us to create more serotonin--a
neurotransmitter that helps combat depression and can create a general
feeling of well being. Women share feelings where men share activities,
and evidently that is very good for our health. He said that spending
time with a friend is just as important to our general health as jogging
or working out at a gym. - Did you catch that?
There's a
tendency to think that when we are exercising we are doing something
good for our bodies, but when we are hanging out with friends, we are
wasting our time and should be more productively engaged--not true. In
fact, he said that failure to create and maintain quality personal
relationships with other women is as dangerous to our physical health as
smoking! - WOW as dangerous as smoking!
OK - I want everyone to take note, the head of psychiatry at Stanford University has gone on record saying that having a glass of wine with your girlfriends is as important as exercise and NOT doing so is as dangerous as smoking! Well, maybe he didn’t say the wine was a requirement, but we need those antioxidants, right?
In between our “grown up play dates” there is something else we can do, to decrease our stress levels passively on a daily basis.
Women need a place in their home that is just for them. Whether it is a bedroom or bathroom sanctuary, or a quiet corner of a living room with a comfy chair and a book-stand. Women need to create for themselves that special place where they can unwind and recharge so we can face the next day, or the rest of today.
It's not a luxury, it's critical to our well being and the well being of all those we care for.
Some of the most popular personal sanctuaries are: a reading nook, a bathroom spa, a bedroom escape, a meditation space and a backyard oasis, but they can be as unique and varied as we are as women. What is your idea of a personal sanctuary?
What they all have in common is that they create a unique feeling, and grant the ability to breathe a relaxing sigh.
This taking care of ourselves stuff is really truly important. Not all new age and woo woo. We blow it off and then we wonder why our physical and mental health is on a constant state of decline. We tell ourselves that we just need to make it through Friday and then we'll get a chance to regroup. Then the weekend comes and goes with its own list of to-do's and chores and obligations. And before we know it, it’s Sunday night and we’re just as exhausted, overwhelmed, overworked and underappreciated as we were on Tuesday or Wednesday.
So what are you waiting for? Share in the comments: Are you going to schedule a "grown up play date" on your calendar this week, or what is your idea of a personal sanctuary (bathroom, bedroom, meditation space, backyard)?
